ELEVEN QUESTIONS: █████ █████
Life is long and a lot can happen. Life slows to a crawl for those who suffer and seems to hasten when we have the resources and money to fulfill our goals.
impervious, adjective im·per·vi·ous | \ (ˌ)im-ˈpər-vē-əs \
Definition of impervious: not capable of being damaged or harmed. Not capable of being affected or disturbed.
Writer ██████ █████ answers Eleven Questions for Occasionally Impervious.
█████████ ██████ is a writer and creator of
on Substack.1. What can you tell me about your given or chosen name?
This is the most challenging question of the bunch. It's so loaded! I know my uncle gave me my legal name. It's a typical choice for naming Muslim boys. Abdul means servant. It is then customary to add any of the ninety-nine names of Allah. Al Wahab means Giver of Gifts. Abdul + Abdul Wahab = Servant of the Giver of Gifts. I won't share my name here. I live in a dangerously conservative city which I call Small Town, and being closeted is safest.
I play around with my name. I'll pick a nickname based on it and designate it to a place, or a group of friends. I have my Small Town name, my Manila name, a name I use in clubs, and plenty of online usernames. I remember you called me We when we first talked, because of my past blog name. And with that, I feel a blur in identity, queer, exciting, sometimes scary or lonely. But I do feel that I have the strongest connection to my Manila name. It's the name used by my friends who know I'm queer.
2. Do you have a favorite book or story from your childhood?
We weren't really a storytelling kind of family. My parents never gave me anything literary when I was a kid, only textbooks. I discovered literature much later. But hands down, “East of Eden” by John Steinbeck is my favorite book now. I've read it three times so far and read sections of it from time to time.
I vaguely remember that Oprah kept four or five of her Oprah's Book Club picks on display in her office. At the time she had “The Pillars of the Earth” by Ken Follett, “Love in the Time of Cholera” by Gabriel García Márquez,” and “The Poisonwood Bible” by Barbara Kingslover. None of those books spoke to me, but “East of Eden” did, and “Pillars” too. They were deep, they were long, they were complex and slow to develop, and yet every moment was truly enjoyable. My favorite part of “East of Eden” is the introduction of Cathy Ames. Here's the first paragraph of that chapter:
"I believe there are monsters born in the world to human parents. Some you can see, misshapen and horrible, with huge heads or tiny bodies; some are born with no arms, no legs, some with three arms, some with tails or mouths in odd places. They are accidents and no one’s fault, as used to be thought. Once they were considered the visible punishment for concealed sins. And just as there are physical monsters, can there not be mental or psychic monsters born? The face and body may be perfect, but if a twisted gene or a malformed egg can produce physical monsters, may not the same process produce a malformed soul?"
In “Snow White,” there is the Evil Queen, and all those evil but handsome characters, but it was “East of Eden” that opened my eyes and mind to the possibility that beauty does not always mean good.
Alas! I’ve not read any other Steinbeck. Even after I fall in love with a piece, I'm not in the habit of researching a writer’s other work. It's the same approach I have with music. I just generally enjoy whatever book or song comes my way!
I love American, European, African and East Asian literature and cinema. I also read Philippine Literature. I watch Philippine movies and listen to our music. But not as much. The reason isn't sinister or evil, it’s because I am Philippine Literature. I am the culture. As are all Filipinos. But I love to read things outside my culture for the adventure of it all!
3. What are your favorite sounds? (If you are Deaf or hard of hearing, please share a favorite sensory experience of your choosing.)
Waves on a shore during a quiet evening, with only the moon as the light source. Coconut leaves swaying. And the pop and spirit of an opened beer bottle.
4. What is your favorite thing to eat? Do you know how to make it? Who taught you?
Whenever I’m in Manila, there is a Korean restaurant in a district called Ermita that I make sure to visit. It serves authentic Korean food and the buffet has the freshest side dishes! It's the only place I don't eat rice.
Samgyupsal 삼겹살, or Korean grilled pork belly, is my favorite. Islam forbids eating pork but culturally, here, as adopted in the Philippines, Samgyupsal can be prepared with beef. I've never eaten pork intentionally, but when I lived in Manila, there were mistakes. I can easily detect pork by process of elimination. Whenever I eat something that tastes off, I run down the list in my mind. Does it taste like beef, or chicken, or shrimp, or crab, or fish? Does it taste like goat, or lamb, or turkey? If it is none of those, then it can only be pork!
I remember the first time I ate at that restaurant. I was part of a Korean-Filipino exchange program where we would teach Korean students basic and conversational English. Just before they flew back home, we ate at that restaurant. I remember it being so delicious that I didn't want to waste any of my tummy space with rice. Rice can make us feel full faster. So I ate everything with no rice!
5. What is your favorite quote?
Quotes! I have three. Long quotes too!
“Dear Leonard, to look life in the face, always to look life in the face, and to know it for what it is. At last to know it. To love it for what it is. And then to put it away. Leonard, always the years between us, always the years, always the love. Always the hours.” -Nicole Kidman as Virginia in “The Hours.”
“But I'd only told them the truth. Was that so selfish? Our integrity sells for so little that it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch, we are free.” -Valerie's Letter, “V for Vendetta.”
“It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place. But for three years, I had roses and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it away from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. Valerie.” - Valerie's Letter, “V for Vendetta.”
6. What is something that you used to believe but no longer do?
It is absolutely not true for me that life is short. Life is long and a lot can happen. Life slows to a crawl for those who suffer and seems to hasten when we have the resources and money to fulfill our goals.
A friend of mine used to always say, “Good things come to those who wait.” I believed it until I saw an extended version that read, “Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those who hustle.”
And the idea that people who have done evil will get their due punishment. I no longer believe this. Sadly, I see bad people doing evil deeds every day and they continue to get away with it.
7. What do you value most in a friendship?
The little things, like checking up on each other or getting a “How've you been? Let's catch up!” in my DMs. A friend grabbing my hands and interlocking fingers. Kisses on the cheeks. It warms my soul when I get those. Everyone here is straitlaced and straight-faced. We almost never show emotions here in Small Town. So a “How are you?” and friendly mannerisms are very, very welcome for me. That, and dark humor, which I can only share with friends. It's a symbol of trust!
8. Where is home? If it is a physical place, does it still exist? Who lives there now?
Home is where I'm queer. Definitely not where I currently reside. I once wrote in my journal that I left my heart in Thailand. That's where I first came out to a friend who was also there. My first gay club experience. And first time flirting with a man in public. Queer spaces instantly become home for me. That, and solitude. When I'm alone and content, I feel home.
9. Who or what is your biggest motivator?
The people who keep fighting the good fight. The oppressed. Those who despite everything stacked against them, with almost nothing to spare, still share their meals. They make me study more, write more. They make me kinder.
10. What is one helpful piece of advice someone shared with you when you needed encouragement or a kind word?
In conversation with my writing professor, I told him how scared I was. I know and read about queer Muslim writers in other countries. I like “We Have Always Been Here: A Queer Muslim Memoir” by Samra Habib and an academic paper titled “Queer as Intersectionality: Theorizing Gay Muslim Identities” by writer and Professor Momin Rahman of Trent University. The academic paper was impactful for me. I know a trans woman who spent her academic career reading and writing about trans identity and experience. So I was grateful to discover that queer Islam was also studied academically by a professor! Queer Muslim writers play a crucial role in representation and it warms my soul to read something that reflects me. I explore and question myself constantly and these books are an affirmation.
But I don't know anyone like that here. I'm all alone. I live in a city where I don't have a friend who I can run to for a drink, listen to and share deep thoughts with. And not just an Other, but an other Other. I'm marginalized even in my own marginalized group. I relate to that viral TikTok meme, I'm constantly “deep within enemy territory.”
To all of this he replied, “No. You don't have a support system, but you need to find the courage of conviction anyway. And give yourself grace. No one's coming to help you. Have the courage of conviction but give yourself grace. Find that balance.” I still get scared whenever I hit that “post” or “upload” button [on my Substack]. But in those moments, my professor’s words ring past my ears, and I do it anyway.
11. When do you feel most impervious?
Well, Z, I'm not very brave. I'm constantly scared and anxious. That's why I suppose I spend most of my time in solitude and writing. I don't think I'm not susceptible. Isn't the human soul astounding that way? But being surrounded by people whose beliefs I simply cannot align with, I can say, I get impervious to whatever crap and sophistry they spout.
I always quietly hope to be doing right, and that my thoughts and actions do no harm to anyone.
Thank you █████████ ██████!
🏳️🌈
Here are a few resources centering Queer Muslim and LGBTQ+ communities:
Queer Muslim Network is a grassroots organization dedicated to community building and uplifting 2SLGBTQ+ Muslims and their allies.
The Trevor Project is the leading suicide prevention and crisis intervention nonprofit organization for LGBTQ+ young people.
The Queer Muslim Project is an award-winning cultural platform and Asia’s leading digital network for queer, Muslim and diverse voices.
Pride House Tokyo aims to raise awareness of LGBTQ+ issues in Japan through the creation of hospitality spaces and events.
Tokyo Rainbow Pride aims to realize a happy society where everyone can live true to themselves, joyfully, and proudly.
N.B. Want more Eleven Questions? Meet a Tokyo based artist who explains seimei handan 姓名判断 (the Japanese fortunetelling system used to pick baby names) and a culinary professional in New York City who knows a thing or two about the facts of life!
Ona's second comment: she talks for a long time! Anyhow, after 24 years of life, tucked into the Bible Belt, I moved to Denver, Colorado. It is west of those states and not far in mileage, but the large metropolitan area of Denver is night and day different there. That's not to say I gave up my former life. I found a lesbian Country and Western bar where I could dance the dances I had learned in my childhood. They even had a Gay Rodeo that came to town! Wild, totally wild. And Pridefest. Well Pride last year was about 500,000 Queer and Queer loving people gathering for a weekend. Doesn't matter what you look like, or how you speak, or the level of your education, for that weekend, differences are set aside and we are just there to love on each other. I finally understood what it meant when people called me a Bible Belt Reject. I loved the beauty of the Midwest, the warmth of my family, and the loving college I attended. Those were not negated, but here, there was a siblinghood I hadn't found there. And if I had been OUT there, I would likely have understood the Reject part better. Dear, dear writer: You are a grown Queer and I respect your choice to stay near the land of your origin, but I want to invite you. Come to Denver at the end of June and visit PRIDE. It is unimaginable! You can always return to your homeland, shore, and writing. But when you are there after visiting this, you are there by choice, not by accident. Very few accidents are joyous...but many choices are. Blessings, love, and wisdom to you , my friend. 💜
Hi. I read this interview yesterday but needed to sit with it until today, when I found some words. Your experience as a Queer Muslim looking at or for Queer Muslim literature and papers moved something deep inside me. I am from the Midwest of the United States, an area often called the Bible Belt. I grew up in Kansas, went to four years of school in Oklahoma, then took a 2 year job in Nebraska. In none of those places was I able to be out..to be me...to be seen, really, deeply seen is such an important thing. Some people loved me, and people who respected me in each of those places, but I still could not be myself as a Lesbian. And no matter how hard a friend tries to see you, if they can't see that part of me, they do not truly see me. I wish you were seen...all of you.
Well, hrumph. That wasn't nice. I was typing a long response to this interview, and suddenly, a huge chunk of it just disappeared. I don't know if there is a character limit in responses or the size of the box. Anyhow, stay tuned for the rest of my response!