In Tokyo, I rely on two dozen or so Japanese words and phrases to navigate a limited number of social scenarios. I can introduce myself (Zakia desu), give thanks for a meal (gochisousama deshita) or state the painfully obvious like exclaiming how hot it is in Japan in July (Atsui desu ne.) I can wield onegaishimasu (please), arigato gozaimasu (thank you) or sumimasen - a workhorse of a word that depending on the situation means “pardon me” when brushing past someone, “excuse me” to get someone’s attention, or “I’m sorry” - when appropriate. During the six seconds it takes me to say “Gomennasai. Nihongo ga wakarimasen. Eigo daijoubu desu ka?” I sound impressively fluent but if you understand Japanese you know this multi-sentence pronouncement translates to “I’m sorry. I don’t understand Japanese. Do you understand English?” My accent is decent but I can’t fool a native speaker.
Problems arise when my seeming ability to speak Japanese encourages whomever I am conversing with to stray from the scripts I have memorized. Say for instance a cab driver asks me anything other than whether or not I require a reshīto* my farce of fluency is exposed and I have no choice but to apologize and confess. Wakarimasen, I do not understand.
Even still, it is not enough to simply know the language. Learning to participate in the rhythm of a conversation plays a significant role in Japanese. In conversation, Aizuchi, a form of active listening is essential. It is expected that you, the listener, repeatedly interject words and phrases like hai (yes) or sou desu (it is so) or even non-verbal sounds like uhn, uhn * all while occasionally nodding your head to demonstrate that you are listening to the speaker. Aizuchi is not an invitation to talk over or interrupt the speaker, instead it requires you to play the role of low-key hype man. Your job is to offer a steady and concurrent stream of affirmation while the speaker talks. Further, despite appearances to the contrary, Aizuchi does not equate agreement. So even if in conversation I nod accordingly and sprinkle multiple yeses throughout our exchange, I will always and forever disagree with the majority of people in Japan who believe that mayonnaise - not even Japan’s beloved Kewpie brand mayonnaise - belongs on pizza.
This is the opposite of how I learned to listen. The adage “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak” comes to mind. In other words, a good listener is a quiet listener. It also means that many of us are just listening for a chance to interrupt and talk about our own experience, rather than listening to what is being said. I’d be lying if I claimed innocence on this front. Until I made a conscious effort to NOT interrupt while someone else was speaking, I was shocked and embarrassed at how often I caught myself doing it. To that end, I picked up a copy of “You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters.” So far, it’s an insightful examination of the many ways we communicate, or fail to, because so few of us listen to one another. And even fewer of us know how.
Aizuchi requires you to play the role of low-key hype man. Your job is to offer a steady and concurrent stream of affirmation while the speaker talks.
I’m working to make other active listening techniques habitual like repeating back and paraphrasing the speaker’s words for clarification along with more obvious best practices like leaving my cell phone out of the equation no matter how tempting. Interesting enough, while visiting family in the United States this summer, I noticed two Aizuchi interjections, in the form of slightly more aggressive than usual head nodding and frequent uhn, uhn’s crop up in my conversations in English. I am now convinced that a hybrid of the two styles are well paired. I’m also fairly certain I’m going to have to walk around with a notebook worn as necklace like Holly Hunter’s character in “The Piano,” or carry a chalkboard like the little boy who doesn’t talk in “Claudine” so I can jot down all ten million and one thoughts that pop into my head that I want to contribute to a conversation instead of interrupting when I should be listening.
Early next month, Japan officially reopens after almost three years of closed borders and travel restrictions. Whether or not you plan to visit Japan, now is as good a time as any to practice active listening and maybe even some Aizuchi, no matter what language you speak. That’s all for now. See you in two weeks.
* A reshīto is … a receipt. 😉
* Now hear me out on this one. The “uhn” Aizuchi sound is a little reminiscent of Master P in “Make 'Em Say Uhh!”
A Few Things:
This adorable toddlers' phone Aizuchi is unparalleled. Watch and learn.
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Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browserOne of my favorite collections of essays about living in another country and learning to speak a foreign language is “Me Talk Pretty One Day” by David Sedaris.
Not an ad. I just love this mag. My daughter has a subscription to a brilliant independent print magazine called Kazoo. The current issue features a segment illustrated by incredible American comic book artist Alitha E. Martinez about one of my all-time favorite writers Octavia Butler. Do yourself a favor and check it out if you can.
Fact of the matter is Sway had the answer all along 😂
TELL ME:
Are you a monolinguist like myself or do you speak more than one language? (Cursing in multiple lingos, while useful, does not count!) More importantly do you believe mayonnaise belongs on pizza. I will judge you based on your response. 🍕
Really enjoyed reading this...and the comments! As always thank you, the links were informative and fascinating. The whole nature and our experience of conversation is so subject to our understanding of what a conversation is. The natural nature and personality of the two people engaged, the emotional investment, or non-investment...and the cultural mechanics of a given language and cultural norms between participants are all in play. All of the things that are not said, but said by being not said. The subtle underlying things communicated with the voice, body language, eyes, hands. The length of time/space between words...the unsaid that sometimes is as loud and coherent as what’s being verbally spoken. Communication between humans is fascinating. Learning to listen, really listen is an art form that we hope comes with maturity, with wisdom...but actually we usually need someone pulling our coat to say, ‘...no really, you need to stop and really listen and this is how you do it.’ It’s important and the only way to truly understand what the other person is trying to communicate to you. Maturity and wisdom follow over time.
I know I have to practice this in my conversations more, even when the topic is not serious but lighthearted. Sometimes just curbing your enthusiasm and listening opens up information that you’re completely missing.
Great essay!.....and Mayo on pizza would never have crossed my mind🤦🏽♀️ trying to imagine......trying.......trying...
Exchange vs audience. That's it! Unfortunately many people I know just want to have an audience lol. But that's alright. Stoicism teaches us that anything outside our person really isn't in our control. A captive audience we can have is a journal. It turns into an exchange when we reread what we have written. Many times I've reread my entries and realize I'm really a dumbass on so many things. But I try to improve and battle on 🤠