Really enjoyed reading this...and the comments! As always thank you, the links were informative and fascinating. The whole nature and our experience of conversation is so subject to our understanding of what a conversation is. The natural nature and personality of the two people engaged, the emotional investment, or non-investment...and the cultural mechanics of a given language and cultural norms between participants are all in play. All of the things that are not said, but said by being not said. The subtle underlying things communicated with the voice, body language, eyes, hands. The length of time/space between words...the unsaid that sometimes is as loud and coherent as what’s being verbally spoken. Communication between humans is fascinating. Learning to listen, really listen is an art form that we hope comes with maturity, with wisdom...but actually we usually need someone pulling our coat to say, ‘...no really, you need to stop and really listen and this is how you do it.’ It’s important and the only way to truly understand what the other person is trying to communicate to you. Maturity and wisdom follow over time.
I know I have to practice this in my conversations more, even when the topic is not serious but lighthearted. Sometimes just curbing your enthusiasm and listening opens up information that you’re completely missing.
Great essay!.....and Mayo on pizza would never have crossed my mind🤦🏽♀️ trying to imagine......trying.......trying...
Exchange vs audience. That's it! Unfortunately many people I know just want to have an audience lol. But that's alright. Stoicism teaches us that anything outside our person really isn't in our control. A captive audience we can have is a journal. It turns into an exchange when we reread what we have written. Many times I've reread my entries and realize I'm really a dumbass on so many things. But I try to improve and battle on 🤠
#2) I love the adage "We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak”. Will totally be remembering that when I want to jump in while someone is speaking to me instead of just listening...totally guilty of being a middle child who frequently had to fight to be heard lol.
#3) My husband is purchasing the most amazing shirt that says Sway had the answer all along 🤣. Will have to find the link and send it your way!
Deaf so I use ASL, a tiny bit of Indian Sign, an even tinier bit of Australian Sign, and written English and written Punjabi. (No one can lipread. It is not a thing. If Deaf people say they can it’s because they already know they can ignore most of what is being said, they already can guess at most of what is being said, or they have more residual hearing than they are comfortable telling you.)
More importantly, mayo shouldn’t be on anything. This is a poverty remedy for head lice and I am still traumatized decades later. I hate the smell and the taste and I won’t even let my partners eat it around me.
Mayo belongs with fries! I speak German and Hindi and because German is not my mother tongue and I learned it in my 20s I find myself listening more intently and looking for non verbal cues to supplement my understanding. It also makes me pause more often to formulate the sentences and speak and enunciate more clearly which I hope gives the listener more time to absorb what I'm saying as well.
I love The Piano. I love love the Piano. I can pretty much pause at any point in time in the movie and the scene is a guaranteed computer background. So scenic. And Michael Nyman's The Heart Asks Pleasure First and The Promise are pieces that prompted me to listen to more classical piano music.
Before I thought about and typed this comment, I had to review Thich Nhat Hanh's interview with Oprah (available on YouTube) that taught me to always remember my breathing in moments of anger. Plus, deep, active, compassionate listening. It involves only sharing your presence to the conversation. Just that. And the rest is listening and empathizing to the listener. Any comments must be reserved for another time or day.
Before that, I used to nod and listen and turn the conversation to myself. I reply with stories related to the topic at hand, of course. Still, it robs the speaker of their moment to let out frustration.
I also remember a Parks and Recreation episode when a pregnant Ann Perkins (Rashida Jones) kept venting on her husband Chris (Rob Lowe) about the stresses of pregnancy. Chris tried to solve everything which Anne didn't like. Finally, their friends intervened, telling Chris the moment Ann complained about anything pregnancy-concerned again, all he had to do was say two things: "That sucks" and no more!
Mayo does not belong on pizza. Not even if it’s fancy truffle infused.
I love language and I love foreign films - I always take time off work to check out as many films as I can during our annual international film festival.
I have dabbled with French (taken at school) and learned a bit of Russian as an adult. Also have a basic knowledge of our native language in New Zealand/Aotearoa: te reo Māori. (Loved your reference to The Piano!)
I’m probably most proficient with Japanese, can read at a basic level - but zero writing skills 😞 and get absolutely melted-brain trying to remember my words trying to speak.
Loved this. During my first stint in Japan (1992-1993!) I carried around a small pocket notebook so I could jot down new vocab. I collected stacks of these....
After 2 years of college German more than 50 years ago, I can almost converse with a native, but I do a lot of "Was ist den das?" (What is that?) I've lived in Texas long enough to know a few Spanish words, mainly of the edible variety. Your observations in this piece are actually profound, and a good lesson for most of us, myself included. As for pizza, I can ALMOST forgive something like pineapple on it, but mayonnaise is a crime against nature, and is unforgivable. From a cultural standpoint I could understand (but never eat) wasabi on pizza, but mayo is just plain wrong.
Oh, I love the little toddlers phone! How funny and sweeet! This was a great essay. I speak a little Spanish. It's funny, I took one year of spanish in late jr. hjigh or early high school, and learned GREAT pronunciation. I can look at spanish and sound fluent. but i know so little. In one funny incident, one of hte kids I tutor was placed in an advanced spanish lit class. Well, he speaks Spanish, but doesn't read it. So, for his essay on a short story, he brought it home, I read it aloud, he translated it back to me and we both worked on the essay. How's that for weird?
Also, the active listening...I nod my head an uhum a great dal. some americans find it annoying not to be totally silent while listening but i want to show i am hearing.. I try to be a good listener, but the research I have read shows men and women communicate differently and that men prefer brutal directtness (my interp) from speakers and silence from listerners. (this came from a great article about communication in the Utne Reader a few years ago.) I've tried with some success to do that and it seems to work most of the time. How confusing language and listening can be! thanks for a great essay.
Interesting linguistic observations. I read and speak French, which doesn't seem that different. I've listened to a lot of conversations in Brazilian Portuguese and Mandarin during the past couple of years, which I don't read or speak, and the conversation dynamics are very different.
Really enjoyed reading this...and the comments! As always thank you, the links were informative and fascinating. The whole nature and our experience of conversation is so subject to our understanding of what a conversation is. The natural nature and personality of the two people engaged, the emotional investment, or non-investment...and the cultural mechanics of a given language and cultural norms between participants are all in play. All of the things that are not said, but said by being not said. The subtle underlying things communicated with the voice, body language, eyes, hands. The length of time/space between words...the unsaid that sometimes is as loud and coherent as what’s being verbally spoken. Communication between humans is fascinating. Learning to listen, really listen is an art form that we hope comes with maturity, with wisdom...but actually we usually need someone pulling our coat to say, ‘...no really, you need to stop and really listen and this is how you do it.’ It’s important and the only way to truly understand what the other person is trying to communicate to you. Maturity and wisdom follow over time.
I know I have to practice this in my conversations more, even when the topic is not serious but lighthearted. Sometimes just curbing your enthusiasm and listening opens up information that you’re completely missing.
Great essay!.....and Mayo on pizza would never have crossed my mind🤦🏽♀️ trying to imagine......trying.......trying...
Exchange vs audience. That's it! Unfortunately many people I know just want to have an audience lol. But that's alright. Stoicism teaches us that anything outside our person really isn't in our control. A captive audience we can have is a journal. It turns into an exchange when we reread what we have written. Many times I've reread my entries and realize I'm really a dumbass on so many things. But I try to improve and battle on 🤠
#1) I do NOT believe mayo belongs on pizza.
#2) I love the adage "We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak”. Will totally be remembering that when I want to jump in while someone is speaking to me instead of just listening...totally guilty of being a middle child who frequently had to fight to be heard lol.
#3) My husband is purchasing the most amazing shirt that says Sway had the answer all along 🤣. Will have to find the link and send it your way!
Actually listening without thinking of what to say next is so relaxing. I should do it more!
Deaf so I use ASL, a tiny bit of Indian Sign, an even tinier bit of Australian Sign, and written English and written Punjabi. (No one can lipread. It is not a thing. If Deaf people say they can it’s because they already know they can ignore most of what is being said, they already can guess at most of what is being said, or they have more residual hearing than they are comfortable telling you.)
More importantly, mayo shouldn’t be on anything. This is a poverty remedy for head lice and I am still traumatized decades later. I hate the smell and the taste and I won’t even let my partners eat it around me.
Mayo belongs with fries! I speak German and Hindi and because German is not my mother tongue and I learned it in my 20s I find myself listening more intently and looking for non verbal cues to supplement my understanding. It also makes me pause more often to formulate the sentences and speak and enunciate more clearly which I hope gives the listener more time to absorb what I'm saying as well.
I need to read the latest Kazoo issue! And thanks for resurfacing the video of the toddler showing us how aizuchi is done. So cuuuuute!
I love The Piano. I love love the Piano. I can pretty much pause at any point in time in the movie and the scene is a guaranteed computer background. So scenic. And Michael Nyman's The Heart Asks Pleasure First and The Promise are pieces that prompted me to listen to more classical piano music.
Before I thought about and typed this comment, I had to review Thich Nhat Hanh's interview with Oprah (available on YouTube) that taught me to always remember my breathing in moments of anger. Plus, deep, active, compassionate listening. It involves only sharing your presence to the conversation. Just that. And the rest is listening and empathizing to the listener. Any comments must be reserved for another time or day.
Before that, I used to nod and listen and turn the conversation to myself. I reply with stories related to the topic at hand, of course. Still, it robs the speaker of their moment to let out frustration.
I also remember a Parks and Recreation episode when a pregnant Ann Perkins (Rashida Jones) kept venting on her husband Chris (Rob Lowe) about the stresses of pregnancy. Chris tried to solve everything which Anne didn't like. Finally, their friends intervened, telling Chris the moment Ann complained about anything pregnancy-concerned again, all he had to do was say two things: "That sucks" and no more!
Mayo does not belong on pizza. Not even if it’s fancy truffle infused.
I love language and I love foreign films - I always take time off work to check out as many films as I can during our annual international film festival.
I have dabbled with French (taken at school) and learned a bit of Russian as an adult. Also have a basic knowledge of our native language in New Zealand/Aotearoa: te reo Māori. (Loved your reference to The Piano!)
I’m probably most proficient with Japanese, can read at a basic level - but zero writing skills 😞 and get absolutely melted-brain trying to remember my words trying to speak.
Loved this. During my first stint in Japan (1992-1993!) I carried around a small pocket notebook so I could jot down new vocab. I collected stacks of these....
After 2 years of college German more than 50 years ago, I can almost converse with a native, but I do a lot of "Was ist den das?" (What is that?) I've lived in Texas long enough to know a few Spanish words, mainly of the edible variety. Your observations in this piece are actually profound, and a good lesson for most of us, myself included. As for pizza, I can ALMOST forgive something like pineapple on it, but mayonnaise is a crime against nature, and is unforgivable. From a cultural standpoint I could understand (but never eat) wasabi on pizza, but mayo is just plain wrong.
Oh, I love the little toddlers phone! How funny and sweeet! This was a great essay. I speak a little Spanish. It's funny, I took one year of spanish in late jr. hjigh or early high school, and learned GREAT pronunciation. I can look at spanish and sound fluent. but i know so little. In one funny incident, one of hte kids I tutor was placed in an advanced spanish lit class. Well, he speaks Spanish, but doesn't read it. So, for his essay on a short story, he brought it home, I read it aloud, he translated it back to me and we both worked on the essay. How's that for weird?
Also, the active listening...I nod my head an uhum a great dal. some americans find it annoying not to be totally silent while listening but i want to show i am hearing.. I try to be a good listener, but the research I have read shows men and women communicate differently and that men prefer brutal directtness (my interp) from speakers and silence from listerners. (this came from a great article about communication in the Utne Reader a few years ago.) I've tried with some success to do that and it seems to work most of the time. How confusing language and listening can be! thanks for a great essay.
Mayo belongs nowhere.
Interesting linguistic observations. I read and speak French, which doesn't seem that different. I've listened to a lot of conversations in Brazilian Portuguese and Mandarin during the past couple of years, which I don't read or speak, and the conversation dynamics are very different.